i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Randomize
