You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
