I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
