and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
