Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
