i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
