rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
