did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
