I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I have demons in me.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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