Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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