I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
