Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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