sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
