shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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