Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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