So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
