If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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