Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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