I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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