I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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