Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
