is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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