good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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