Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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