Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
