the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
