Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
