I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
