i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Randomize
