My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
