turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
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