I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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