Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
The uberlube is also flammable
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
