Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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