She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
