She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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