Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize