my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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