i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Randomize
