Don't you send me to vm
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
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