y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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