Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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