someone threw a dead crab at me
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Randomize
