The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
