my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize