well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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