college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
