He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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