Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
