Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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