Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
