You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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