he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
