you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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