I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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