How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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