I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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