One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
