when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
