I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
