k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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