So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
