i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
