Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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