Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
