My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
