I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
