That's when you crack a 10am beer
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
