I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
