hotel room ftw
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Randomize
