having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
