party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize