Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
You ate ashes out of my bong
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
