he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
