Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
