it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
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