Is it normal to miss your booty call?
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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